I consume a lot of media. That’s kind of my thing. This is a list of what I’ve been watching in the past year and not a catalog of every film I’ve ever seen. For that kind of totality, please become my friend on Netflix.
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(500) Days of Summer: 4 out of 5 – I’m really giving this movie a 3 and 1/2 not 4 stars. I thought it was cute, but sometimes the tone got away from the film maker. I also didn’t believe the two leads. better casting could have made this a 5.

44 Inch Chest: 5 out of 5 – If you don’t like dialogue or editing that shows off character work instead of flashy plot… you won’t like this movie. I thought it was one of the most patient, delightful stories I’ve seen in a long time. Well done.

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints: 5 out of 5 – So good. First time director on this. That bar’s pretty high.

Amejelah Johnson: 4 out of 5 – I like her. She’s got real sass.

American Astronaut: 3 out of 5 – There are parts of this movie that are so genius I will never forget them. The low-fi F.X. are pretty clever and the look of the thing is amazing. What points it gains for style, it loses for story/plot/editing. If this would have been a 30 minute short it would have been genius.

Arj Barker: LYAO :  4 out of 5 – I’m sort of on the fence with Arj. Some of his stuff makes me snort when I laugh and some of it makes me groan. In the first 10 minutes I was all set to hate him and then he just flipped the funny switch. I think sometimes I would have liked his set better if someone else was doing his jokes. I don’t know. Arj, I’ll gi…ve you the benefit of the doubt based on your 15 minute bathtub bit and the fact that you’re on tour with the Flight of the Conchords.

Beautiful Losers: 5 out of 5 – I don’t want to grow up.

Big Fan: 3 out of 5 – Yay Patton Oswald!!! Good job script maker!!! Hey, everyone else……., eh.

Bitch Slap: 4 out of 5 – If you like: cleavage, slow mo bending over, big guns, slow mo getting back up, insane plot twists that are so ridiculous they make you laugh out loud, green screen that doesn’t even try to blend, girl on girl (fully clothed) dry humping, blatant Tarantino rip offs, seeing Lucy Lawless for a second, seeing Zoe Bell a bunch, and/ or jokes in your ending credits then you will LOVE this movie.

Bomb It: 5 out of 5 – My favorite thing about this documentary is what I also loved about “Planet B-boy,” they do a great job of showing you how different people in different countries use the art form. With the thesis of Graffiti, this movie creates a very engaging dialogue about what graffiti is, what it means to do graffiti, whether or not the art should be illegal and what it means when different people use it for different reasons. This story of graffiti leads to a bigger discussion about the accessibility of our public spaces and who should get to decide what our public spaces look like. Aces!

Branded to Kill: 4 out of 5 – My plan is not to sound like a movie-elitist snob on this one, but here goes. At first you start watching this movie and you think, “oh my god this is gibberish. They didn’t know anything about continuity in late 1960′s Japanese cinema.” But as you stick with it and the weirdness (the bird FXs, watch out for them) and …the surrealism of the editing takes off I think it will become harder and harder for you to turn off. The absurdity becomes this super neat personality about the movie. It sort of feels like the coolest film student film you’ve ever seen. Also, this was supposed to be a studio film. Imagine that. See Wikipedia for more interesting facts about this now cult classic. It’s literally crazy that this film even got made.

Brian Regan: The Epitome of Hyperbole: 4 out of 5 – I love Brian Regan. He’s not the most sophisticated comedian, but I just like how he does that “stupid face” and talks like he’s retarded a bunch while walking like he’s got a deuce in his pants. These things make up about 90% of his act, and I’m okay with that.

The Broken: 3 out of 5 – It looks pretty, but it’s an hour and a half where three things happen. If you like long tub scenes, you will love this movie.

Broken Embraces: 3 out of 5 – I thought this movie was just okay. Basically it’s beautiful. The production design is like candy. so so so yummy.(definitely worth watching just for this and Penelope’s performance) But the ending is a big rushed turd that leaves you feeling really icky and let down. I think Pedro Almodovar has done better.

The Brooklyn Heist: 4 out of 5 – This movie is genuinely funny. The choices they made really serve the piece well. Aces to Brooklyn Heist!

Bruno: 2 out of 5 – Boo. Not funny. No sir.

Burning Man: Beyond Black Rock: 4 out of 5 – This documentary is excellent. The narrative focuses on the art by following a few of the artists and the infrastructure by following a few of the founders and leaders who set up the event. It looks beautiful and they do a great job of trying to relay the message behind Burning man. Very Well done.

Californication: Season 2: 4 out of 5 – I know it’s stupid, but I really like this show. Marcy is the BEST!

Californication: Season 3: 4 out of 5 – You know… same stuff, for some reason every woman and girl in LA is throwing themselves at a loser writer…. but for some reason I still like watching it. Marcy continues to be one of the greatest characters ever.

The Cannonball Run: 3 out of 5 – This movie does not hold up. Dino looks like a booze soaked fish and everybody thinks Dom Deluis is funny. I don’t get it.

Cheaper by the Dozen: 3 out of 5 – For a kids’ movie it’s not horrible. I really like Bonnie Hunt. But here’s the thing, it’s not great.

Commune: 4 out of 5 – Pretty interesting stuff. if you like watching a bunch of dirty hippies.

Crazy Heart: 5 out of 5 – Saw this in the theater. Jeff Bridges can drunkenly lose my son any time!

The Cruise: 5 out of 5 – Still good after all these years. I want this guy to move into my pool house and come to all my parties. How can I bottle this guy? Amazing. The greatest poet of our lifetime.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: 4 out of 4 – It’s pretty good. Like Forest Gump with a better love story and less cheesy “isn’t America great” moments. if you’ve got 3 hours on a rainy day, then sure. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it again.

Dane Cook: Vicious Circle: 4 out of 5 – I know I’m the last one to see this, but I really thought it was funny and amazing that he commanded that stadium for an hour and a half. I get that he’s not Carlin, but he’s also not Mencia. He’s funny. Real funny.

David Cross: Let America Laugh: 3 out of 5 – this was just okay. I didn’t think that the behind the scenes moments were really worth sitting through for an hour and a half (although I did) and I wanted a lot more bits. But David Cross is charming in his own way. The major Mr. Show geeks will like this, but if you’re not a Cross super fan, I would probably pass on this one.

Daybreakers: 3 out of 5 – This movie had the potential to be a show stopper. the first 20 – 30 minutes are downright genius. Unfortunately it can’t keep it up. There are times when this movie seems like 2 different movies. The good: The art production (wow), the premise (amazing). The bad: The direction, the plot, any exposition involving water and sun turning vamps back into humans, defoe’s horrible acting.

Deathrace 2000: 4 out of 5 – Put this on your list of to-see’s. It’s campy and dated and awesome!

Dexter: Season 4: 2 out of 5 – I love this show, but season 4 sucks so bad it hurts. You lost me Dex… I would have followed you into the sun, but you lost me.

District 9: 4 out of 5 – To be fair, I didn’t like this movie at all when I saw it in the theater. Leo convinced me to ease up on it after we discussed the indie-ness of the thing. I still don’t like the movie and I will never watch it again, but I’m giving it four stars instead of 3 so that others will watch it. This makes sense in my head.

Dog Bites Man: The Complete Series: 4 out of 5 – This series is really excellent. From the same dude who brought you Ali G and Borat, he’s got a great sense of blending the improv with the set up bits. The actors really sell this show though. I don’t know how I missed Galifanakis in this until now. I think the cast is, at times, semi crazy with how in character they …stay in the face of what they are actually saying. I haven’t heard many people talk about this series. Really good. I never feel like they take it too far.

Dreams on Spec: 3 out of 5 – This is a 3 and a half. But they don’t have that option, so I’m giving it a 3 because a 4 is unwaranted.

Drillbit Taylor: 3out of 5 – Here’s the thing, this movie didn’t have to suck as bad as it did. It’s got 3 writers credited (Seth Rogen being one of them) and it seems they were all fighting for a voice in the script. The movie starts 30 minutes after it starts and I think if they’d realized this, got a better director, cast different kids and sho…t the editor, this movie could have succeeded. But then most of UCB makes an appearance and lots of your favorite bit players are featured including Lisa Lampanelli, Koechner, a great small part by The Daily Show’s Beth Littleford and my new fave-o Danny McBride (marry me). So to sum up, don’t watch this movie unless you have kids who don’t understand bad story structure or if you have an obsession with watching Owen Wilson in the film that made him try to commit suicide.

Drool: 4 out of 5 – This movie is charming and well done. a great little indie.

Eastbound and Down: Season 1: 4 out of 5 – I really like these three guys and in general I am rooting for them. Not my favorite show ever, but consistently good. The casting is great; Jennifer Irwin, Andrew Daly, Craig Robinson… yum. It’s pretty hard for Danny McBride to do wrong in my book these days. Good acting does a lot for comedy. You can see why Ferrell’s hitched his trailer up to McBride’s wagon.

Eddie Izzard: Live From Wimbley: 4 out of 5 – I liked this special a lot because I adore Eddie and think he’s brilliant. But, if truth be told, this is not my favorite set. Start with this one and watch his later specials shortly after. You’ll see what I mean.

Edge of Darkness: 3 out of 5 – I have a feeling that this mini series is way better than the movie. Mel is acting all over the place in this one and the director doesn’t seem to have full control of the reigns. The script could have been better but the movie is trying to hard to rehash this martyr thing Mel does with little success. I don’t think there’s a soul out there who can believe it anymore.

Extract: 4 out of 5 – I liked it… I think.

The F-Bomb: A Documentary: 4 out of 5 – A well done, entertaining doc on my favorite word of all time. It’s got rappers, comedians and Pat Boone using his own name as an expletive. How can you go wrong? You’ll love the Boone out of this movie.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: 4 out of 5 – Wes has redeemed himself.

Fears of the Dark: 4 out of 5 – I would love to see versions of this movie from every country. the french fears are so existentialist. it’s amazing.

Final: 4 out of 5 – Pretty good little indie film. Dennis Leary acts the sh*t out of this.

Flawless: 3 out of 5 – Another mediocre heist movie. (The good ones are so rare) It’s more about the “why” than the “how”. I didn’t hate it. I’ll probably forget it by tonight. For a better heist film go watch Spike Lee’s “Inside Man”.

Food Inc.: 5 out of 5 – Watch this, eat better.

The Foot Fist Way: 4 out of 5 – I know a lot of people thought this movie was kind of disappointing, but I really enjoyed it. I think it’s ten times a better movie than Napoleon Dynamite which is the movie they hoped it would eclipse. The problems with pacing were based on the fact that some scenes furthered the character and some scenes furthered the plot and they didn’t always do them at the same time. But I didn’t mind this as I thought the character was really well played and it’s easy to see why Will Ferrell loved these guys. McBride is pretty genius.

Foul Play: 3 out of 5 – I think this movie is just a victim of its decade. The set up is awesome and there are some very funny Dudley Moore scenes (member him? still good!) but it suffers from the slow editing pace of a 1978 film. The mesh between thriller and comedy work in symphony until about 1/2 way through and then the movie starts to sink under it’s own weight. I did enjoy a smart Goldie Hawn and a VERY CHARMING and young Chevy Chase who reminds us in this movie why we’re all so disappointed in him now… because he was so damn good.

The Fountain: 3 out of 5 – You probably won’t get this from watching the movie… but the film is a “metaphor poem.” Isn’t that great? Also, you probably won’t get this from that first sentence, but I think this movie is over rated. If you’re an Aquarian you will like it. Everyone else will think it’s too long.

The Freshest Kids: A History of the B-Boy: 5 out of 5 – A great way to learn about the history of hip hop. Very thourough, very well done. They literally pinpoint the people who started break dancing, where the word “breakin’” came from and talk to the founders of hip hop. If you like fresh ass dance moves you’ll love this movie.

Funny People: 5 out of 5 – This movie was excellent. great jokes, great story, just great. 2 and 1/2 hours and I didn’t even mind.

The Gamers: Dorkness Rising: 3 out of 5 – OKay, now hear me out. This movie is not for everyone. It’s VERY low budget and it’s made by people who clearly game. (aka: nerds) The beginning 10 minutes are… not great. BUT! If you play D&D and are into this sort of thing (you know who you are) then this isn’t a bad movie. I’m actually pretty amazed at what they a…chieved with the actors and budget they had. The script is not bad and they actually have working jokes. Well done fellow losers. Well done.

Gentlemen Broncos: 1 out of 5 – I think I hate this movie

Gigantic: 5 out of 5 – One of my favorites this year.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: 4 out of 5 – Pretty good. Similar but not as good as “In their Eyes.” But still a good movie.

Go Further: 3 out of 5 – I wanted this doc to be a lot better than it was. the message is good, but the movie is just kind of boring. Also, why does being a good human mean you have to be a hippie?

Good Hair: 3 out of 5 – I really wanted to like this documentary more than I did. The most interesting parts to me were the sections where Chris delved into what these chemicals do to black women’s heads and the idea behind black men not being able to get really intimate with their ladies because they can’t touch their hair. But The “show” an…d its characters left a lot to be desired. Maybe I’m rating this doc too low. Chris is super charming and he probably makes this doc a 4 on his watchable merit alone.

The Good Thief: 2 out of 5 – No. The script and the director were not making the same movie. Also, Nick Nolte, while good, is not a right fit for this. Someone should remake this and do it the right way, as a heist caper… not a drama.

The Grand: 2 out of 5 – I can’t understand how a movie with this many great people in it could be so bad. the tone is all over the place, the music is ridiculous and Zak Penn should be shot

Green Fingers: 4 out of 5 – Great early performance from Clive Owen. This is a very sweet love story shoved in the middle of a great message.

Grey Gardens: The Documentary: 5 out of 5 – I love how freaking crazy these ladies are. This is one of the best documentaries I have ever seen. They literally lay their lives out on a platter for us to see.

Grey Gardens: 5 out of 5 – Yes! this movie gives you everything you want…. A/ to see these women again from a different angle B/ to get more insight on their lives before the documentary C/ amazing performances by Barrymore and Lange D/ wardrobe to die for. scrumptious.

Happy Accidents: 2 out of 5 – One day my husband and I will remake this movie… with better actors, a tighter script and a score that doesn’t include half-jazz. There’s definitely something here, but I forgot what it was after staring into Marisa Tomei’s pout for 2 hours.

Heist: 3 out of 5 stars – It’s a pretty run of the mill heist film, not amazing… but if you’re just shooting the shit, there’s no better way to do it than with Gene Hackman in a “how’re they gonna pull it off?” type movie.

Holes: 3 out of 5 – Some parts are great. Some parts are not even close.

Home Alone: 5 out of 5 – One of the funniest movies of all time.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: 3 out of 5 – Not as good as the first one, but if you’re 10 years old and you see this for the first time, you will still think it’s great.

Hot Tub Time Machine: 3 out of 5 – It really hurts my heart that this movie wasn’t funnier. High concept, low funny. The title and the cast are the best parts, you have to wonder how they went wrong. (besides John Cusack who might need to be put out to pasture on these roles. I’m not buying it anymore.) Craig Robinson is awesome (cause he’s awesome). Lizzy Caplan is great (more of her please). And Clark Duke is holding this thing together. But the jokes just aren’t… that funny. I guess it’s harder to make a comedy than it looks.

Humpday: 5 out of 5 – This is such a great indie film. Really well done. the script is so good and the performances are sincerely top notch. I also laughed a shit ton. the whole hotel scene is just perfect.

The Hunger: 4 out of 5 – I really enjoyed how stylistic this movie is. It’s so over the top that you just have to let it wash over you. It’s not my favorite vampire movie of all time, but it definitely holds it’s own if only because it’s so unique. Bowie… baby.

I Do & I Don’t: 3 out of 5 stars – The script is pretty tight and Jane Lynch is amazing, but I think the director kind of dorked it.

In the Loop: 5 out of 5 – Funny. And, sad when you think about how true it is.

Inception: 4 out of 5 – I really liked it. I know a lot of people thought it was trying to be too clever, but I thought the script was tight and they found interesting ways to weave gimmick into story. Very cool.

The Invention of Lying: 3 out of 5 – The first 30 minutes of this movie are absolute genius…. then it just takes a turn for the worse (pizza boxes on). This could have been on a level with Groundhog Day. It just missed the mark. also, like every working comedian in Hollywood is in this movie including Seymor Hoffman.

It Could Happen to You: 3 out of 5 – Watch it with your mom and sister, if there’s nothing else on, with a glass of wine. It’s almost instantly forgettable.

It Might Get Loud: 4 out of 5 – Yeah, this movie’s genius. I’m in love with Jack White. Also, The Edge seems way cooler than I thought he would be.

It’s all Gone Pete Tong: 4 out of 5 – I loved it and then I hated it and then I was confused by it and then I loved it again and then I was angry again and then I watched the making of and I respected it. so, good job everyone. Next time get your tone straight and your movie won’t make people hate you so much.

Jack: 2 out of 5 – This movie is not good. no sir.

Jaime Foxx: I Might Need Security: 4 out of 5 – He real, real funny

Jake Johannsen: I love You: 3 out of 5 – Um… I liked this stand up film… okay, but Jake is a little too “Prairie Home Companion” for my taste. Jake, your jokes are pretty good, but they’re just not my style. I like short, black guys who smoke weed and mad, pastie white guys from New York who swear too much. Jake, honey… don’t feel bad. It’s not you, it’s me.

Jim Gaffigan: King Baby: 3 out of 5 – I’m not a huge Gaffigan fan. I won’t bad mouth a comedian, but I won’t recommend this one either.

Johnny English:  2 out of 5 – This movie’s so bad it made start to hate myself for watching it. It’s one of those “comedies” where there aren’t any jokes. Know the ones I’m talking about?

Jo Koy: Don’t Make Him Angry: 2 out of 5 – This man is not funny. sorry Jo Koy.

Journey to the Flames: 8 Years of Burning Man: 3 out of 5 – This is not my favorite documentary. For one, the narrative revolving around the camp members is loose, incomplete and kind of boring. But! One thing I think the doc does accomplish very well is to just let Burning Man present itself to you by showing what is essentially a series of montages revolving around certain th…emes like “fire,” “yearly theme,” and “art cars” among others. Worth watching for anyone sitting at home getting psyched about this year’s burn and needing a little fix of the magic.

Kat Williams: It’s Pimpin Pimpin: 4 out of 5 – Not my favorite of his specials…. but Kat Williams continues to be one of my favorites ever. “you got to look out for your star player.” He’s consistently upbeat and postitive. I wouldn’t be surprise if he’s a meditator.

Kathy Griffin: She’ll Cut a Bitch : 4 out of 5 – I know… but I think she’s funny. Mostly ’cause she doesn’t give an f.

Kevin Hart: 4 out of 5 – If we’ve learned anything from Kat Williams, it’s that short, good looking black guys are really, really funny. Kev Hart is no exception. He good!!

Kevin Nealon: Now Hear Me Out!: 4 out of 5 – I like Kevin Nealon. I think his weakest stuff is the subliminal business. Luckily he keeps it to a five minute bit in this special. I mean, come on….. he’s pretty charming.

Kick Ass: 5 out of 5 – So GOOD! Thank you Movie people. Thank you so much.

L.A. Ink: Season 1: Vol. 1 : 4 out of 5 – Kat and team = great.

The Ladykillers: 3 out of 5 – Eh, it’s pretty “Old timey” in a way that doesn’t really hold up. But if you like watching Peter Sellers really young and chunky playing a British guy… then this is the movie for you.

Land of the Lost: 4 out of 5 – The punch up jokes in this are funny. I don’t understand why everyone panned it so hard. I’d watch it again.

Layer Cake: 4 out of 5 – Beautifully shot. Excuse the pun.

The Legend of Billie Jean: 5 out of 5 – Yes, please. Classic.

Leprechaun: 2 out of 5 – This movie is not good. Don’t let your friends obsessed with bad films talk you into wasting your life on this one.

Like Water For Chocolate: 2 out of 5 – This movie is not good. I remember it being the toast of the town when it came out when I was in college. I’m wondering if the transfer to dvd isn’t good and that’s why it looks so cheap. I loved the fact that it’s a story about womens’ lives, but the story is long, the acting is poor and the titty shots feel icky. no …sir, I don’t like it.

The Limits of Control: 5 out of 5 – It’s almost like still life on film. What can I say, I love Jarmusch

LOST: Season 6: 3 out of 5 – Final analysis…. this is the season that ruins the entire show for everyone. Thanks a lot writers. All you had to do was tie it up and you f*cked it up big time. Junk.

Louie: Season 1: 5 out of 5 – This show is amazing. Kudos to Louis CK for directing (and in some instances editing) this show himself. This series gets better and better as the season goes on. It simultaneously: makes NYC look and feel really cool, is totally hilarious in a filmic kind of way, and achieves an artistic high-brow feel with it’s lonel…y bass soundtrack and gritty tan color schemes. Bravo dude.

Louie C.K.: Hilarious: 5 out of 5 – Now here’s a man whose aging like a fine wine. I know the container it comes in is a PBR tall-boy can, but trust me… that’s some fancy ass champagne inside. Oh Louie… I love you.

Louis C.K.: Shameless: 4 out of 5 – He gets better and better the older he gets.

Mike Birbiglia: What I Should Have Said Was Nothing: Tales From My Secret Public Journal: 4 out of 5 – Yup, it’s pretty funny.

The Mitchel and Webb Look: Season 1: 3 out of 5 - Okay here’s the thing. I know everyone REALLY loves this show. I just want to say that I liked it too… I just didn’t LOVE it. I think their bits get a little overplayed and I find one of these dudes a smidge annoying. That being said I do think there are some very funny sketches in the whole of this season including “Numberwang!”… which of course is genius and if “Numberwang!” was the whole show I would give it a 5 out of 5. Because there is so little sketch on tv, any half way decent sketch deserves a little tip of the hat. so… ::tips hat::

Modern Family: Season 1: 5 out of 5 -  This show is excellent. Don’t base your opinion of the show on the pilot. It takes the writers a few episodes to figure out where their stride falls. Over the course of the season the writing gets better and better and the show has one of the best casts I’ve ever seen. This show is a home run and revitalizes my faith in the American sit-com.

Modern Problems: 1 out of 5 – Oh my god no. Just resist. Don’t do it America.

Monster Camp: 5 out of 5 – Sign me up!

My Architect: A Son’s Journey: 5 out of 5 – This movie is pure genius. The son is crazy, the father is a playboy, the architecture is glorious– One of my favorite documentaries ever.

My Favorite Year: 4 out of 5 – Peter O’Toole is a genius. The end.

My So-Called Life: 5 out of 5 – Yes. Best ever.

Mystery Team: 4 0ut of 5 – I really liked this movie a lot. It’s sort of like Stella meets Encyclopedia Brown. Every second tier comedian in the world is in this film including Jon Lutz, Matt Walsh and Aubrey Plaza. I commend any comedy team that keeps it together long enough to make a movie, let alone one with this many good jokes in it. Bravo boys!

National Geographic: World’s Most Dangerous Drug: 4 out of 5 – I don’t know why I watched this. I’m obsessed with Meth. I think it’s so creepy and awful. This doc doesn’t tell you anything you don’t already know, but it’s fascinating as hell.

National Treasure: 3 out of 5 – “National Treasure; it doesn’t suck as bad as you think it’s gonna”

New York I Love You: 4 out of 5 – I know it’s cheesy cause I’m living in New York right now…. but I liked it. Also, my neighbor’s mom is in this one.

Nick Swardson: Seriously, who farted?: 4 out of 5 – I love Nick Swardson. He’s from Minnesota, which I think naturally gives him a familiar-feeling sense of humor, but he’s just right up my alley. I laughed out loud many times. I would love to buy him a beer.

Ninja Assassin: 3 out of 5 – The idea for the story is good.
The script for the story is bad.
The characters for the movie are good.
The actors for the movie are bad.
The ideas for the action sequences are good.

Nip/Tuck – Season 1: 3 out of 5 – I’m really giving this more than 3 stars… I want to give it like 3.8 stars. but it’s not quite a 4. Better than Weeds. Not as good as Dexter. The gratuitous gore is silly but characters are pretty good.

Nip/Tuck – Season 2: 3 out of 5 – I think at this point I’m just watching the show out of habit now. (which is a habit for me) The characters are still interesting, but the writing is really overdone. The characters move in and out of tragedy like a bad soap opera and I really don’t think the wife is a good actress. They tackle big issues without giving us new insights on them and in the second season, these gore-porn shots of faces being cut up aren’t that sensational anymore. (also, for a show that uses so much fx makeup, they could use a better makeup artist). I’ll probably watch season 3, but only because I hate myself a little.

Noble Son: 2 out of 5 – Alan Rickman is genius… that being said, this movie has more plot holes than a field full of plot holes. What happens in this movie? Seriously I really can’t figure it out. Someone please contact me and help me figure out how it all works out. The math just doesn’t add up in my head. the acting’s great. the end.

North By Northwest: 3 out of 5 – This is not my favorite Hitchcock film. I can see how when it first came out, the movie must have been an exciting romp for everyone, but these days it feels about an hour too long. Martin Landau is by far my favorite part of the film (that and the beautiful opening credits!) and his ease in front of the camera feels more fun to me than Grants’ forced and predictable charm. For a better mistaken identity spy film go rent “The Man Who Knew too Little” with Bill Murray.

Nothing Like the Holidays: 4 out of 5 – The first act is kind of brutal, but it picks up after page 20 and the acting is great. Plus you get to see a little of the west side of Chicago which is a rarity in most Chicago films.

Notting Hill: 3 out of 5 – Classic mediocre love schmultz. if it’s on cable and it’s raining outside, I wouldn’t turn it off.

Objectified: 5 out of 5 – If you love docs. If you LOVED “Helvetica,” if you care about the future of mankind, if you own antiques, if you like hearing smart people talk about their passion, if you are interested in design, if you like stuff…. then you’re gonna love this movie.

Observe and Report: 1 out of 5 – Why? Oh god, why?

The Office: Season 6: 5 out of 5 – I mean, yeah…. this show’s great even when it’s mediocre.

One-Eyed Monster: 2 out of 5 – This movie is unwatchable.

Outsourced: 3 out of 5 – I thought that the script was…. tight. as tight as a script can get. all the plot points in all the right places and plenty of second act jokes. nice one. the movie, though, still fell a little flat for me because it was a smidge too precious. there’s a MESSAGE in this film guys… and they beat you over the head with it a little too often. Also, the main dude is kind of bleh. You always REALLY aware of his actor brain thinking inside his acting face. With a better lead this movie could have wowed me better.

Overnight: 4 out of 5 – This guy is a douche. I’d like my justice served on bigger players than this guy, but I’ll take what I can get I guess.

Paper Heart: 3 out of 5 – Just okay. the plot in between the documentary on love is way too cute and forced. Loved the puppet ending. (sorry, spoiler)

Parks and Recreation: Season 1: 2 out of 5 – This first season of this show is not good. In fact it’s horrible to the point where you start to wonder if they’re making it bad on purpose. Because the cast of people they have is unbelievable, so where is the suck coming from. Answer: They were trying to make this show too similar to The Office and it failed miserably. Well do not fear… Season 2 of this same show will knock your socks off. Skip forward and enjoy.

Parks and Recreation: Season 2: 5 out of 5 – This show went from horrible to awesome in one season break. The difference in this second season is that they changed Amy’s character from being the bumbling idiot to the girl who could do no wrong and suddenly the show takes on a whole new life. The cast finally gets a handful of scripts they can run with and we as an audience can breathe a sigh of relief that they didn’t waste the casts’ talents on rehashing an old idea. Very, very good.

Party Down: Season 1: 4 out of 5 – This show is a real SLOW BURN. Give it 4 or 5 episodes. I KNOW that’s a long time to get into a show… but it’s worth it. Not as funny as Parks and Rec season 2 or a 30 rock… but I’d say it’s on par with The League.

Party Down: Season 2: 5 out of 5 – Not only is this show really enjoyable, but they brought in Steve Guttenberg to play himself which couldn’t make me happier.

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain: 5 out of 5 – You can’t get much better than Patton.

Patton Oswalt: Werewolves and Lollipops: 4 out of 5 – Patton = yummy

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief: 1 out of 5 – I hate this movie.

The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema: 3 out of 5 – interesting. A lot of it was over my head, but there’s good nuggets in here even for us dumbdumbs.

Platinum Comedy Series: Bruce Bruce: Live: 4 out of 5 – Bruce Bruce is pretty funny funny. I really like how he’s always checking in with his audience. He’s a fun-zone.

Plunkett and Macleane: 2 out of 5 – This movie sucks. It’s real tired. I can’t believe as much money got put into this thing as must have to get it made. boo film world. boo.

Postcards From the Edge: 5 out of 5 – YES! Everything is good about this movie. Streep, MacLaine, Hackman, a young/ virile Dennis Quad and a script by Carrie Fisher that really cements her (in my book) as a great, great writer. If you’re a gay man and you haven’t seen it yet… well, do yourself a favor and give yourself this. You deserve it.

The Prisoner: 3 out of 5 – I get it… but I don’t need it.

Problem Child: Leslie Jones: 4 out of 5 – This is more like a 3 and a half then a 4 for me. I like Leslie, I think she’s really funny, but I think she relies on the word “bitch” too much and could use a class on “audience riffing” from Paula Poundstone.

Project Runway: Season 6: 4 out of 5 – Look, this is not the best season ever… I think the designs are in general pretty boring and that’s a total reflection of the designers. But the show is still great. watching people work through their creative process is so interesting to me.

Public Enemies: 2 out of 5 – This movie is bad. It looks awful, the video shots are VERY noticeable in a bad way and Johnny Depp can’t save the boring script. Thank you, but no one’s home.

The Quiet Earth: 4 out of 5 – I had never heard of this movie until I watched it with some friends. What we learned while listening to the director’s commentary is that the movie is a conversation about nuclear energy which made me like the movie even more. This film did really well at the American box office even though it’s an Australian film and you can see why it’s a cult classic. It’s RIPE for a remake. Watch out for some AMAZING F.X. 3/4 of the way through and enjoy all the 1983 computer technology!

Rachel Getting Married: 4 out of 5 – This movie is way better than it looks. They really tried to sell it as a lady-time indie, like something Jennifer Aniston passed on, but honestly it’s way arty-er and important. From the director that brought you Philadelphia and Silence of the Lambs… it’s hard to go wrong. Also, I know what you’re thinking and Anne… Hathaway doesn’t totally ruin the movie. I mean she’s not horrible, but I personally would have cast someone else.

Requiem For a Dream: 5 out of 5 – Honestly, I loved it. It was medicine, but it was some pretty amazing medicine.

The Road: 3 out of 5 – This movie’s just too hard core for me. I couldn’t make it past the half way mark. I get it. “Apocalypse = we’re all gonna eat each other.” Also, “dads are great.” It’s just not for me.

Roast of Flavor Flav: Uncensored: 4 out of 5 – This roast is really funny, but there are some moments where I can’t believe how racist it is. Seriously. And Flavor Flav just laughs and laughs. All the way to the bank I guess.

RockNRolla: 5 out of 5 – if you can get passed the first 20 minutes of this movie which is super plot town to introduce all the characters, you will be privy to one of the greatest “gangster” movies I’ve seen in a while. I think this guy is doing 1990′s Tarantino in 2009 and with his own voice. great.

Rollerball: 5 out of 5 – This movie rules.

Russell Brand in New York City: 4 out of 5 – Russell’s pretty funny. He’s really into talking about himself having sex… which is probably why he has so much sex, but I found that to be the most boring part of his act.

The Sarah Silverman Program: Season 2: Vol. 2: 3 out of 5 – I think this show starts to slip in it’s writing halfway through the season. There are moments in the last couple of episodes, but I started to find Sarah’s forced messages a bit redundant from show to show. Also, I think I caught Sarah ripping off the Boosh a bit in an episode or two and this thought was helped by some guest appearances by some Boosh cast.

The Scenesters: 4 out of 5 – First of all, these guys made this movie for $200,000 which is mind blowing. Rarely do you find an indie of this scale that is this funny. Plus their shots of LA at night are just deliciously good. The acting from these first timers is really solid and all around the movie is very well executed. If you’re looking for a…n indie that’s got funny, scary, hipsters and funny-scary-hipsters then this is your jam. Rock this indie everyone. You’ll thank me later.

The Secret In Their Eyes: 5 out of 5 – Saw it today. Beautiful and highly recommended. Catch it in the theater if you still can. Part vintage thriller, part meditation on love, the actors in this really take you to another world.

Seems Like Old Times: 3 out of 5 – I’m sure if I was rating this movie when it first came out in the 80′s I would love it more… it just doesn’t hold up for me. But we’ve evolved as movie goers since this film. Na mean? Goldie’s still great. Chase is still awesome and Grodin holds that role together. Not bad, just not great.

The September Issue: 4 out of 5 – pretty interesting. I think this doc does a great job of letting you in the heads of these women. I weirdly feel I know them.

Sherlock Holmes: 4 out of 5 – I honestly don’t know why everyone hated this so bad. I genuinely liked it and have seen a shit-ton of Sherlock Holmes movies. (where my Jeremy Brett fans at?) Yeah, it’s slightly Hollywood and ridiculous… but the jokes are good, Downy Jr is great and not too offensive being an American and all, and the homoeroticism makes me slightly hot around the collar. I say “yes” to a Holmes 2.

Smiley Face: 2 out of 5 – This movie could be way funnier. I blame the script, although Anna Faris is second in line.

The Specials: 1 out of 5 – Bad movie! Bad, bad movie! How many times do I have to tell you NOT to shit on the rug?

South Park: The Imaginationland Trilogy: 4 out of 5 – These guys are geniuses.

Stalker: 3 out of 5 – I can’t decide if I hate this or just mildly dislike it because I think I NEED to like it to be cool. anyway, I’m glad I have it in my brain catalogue now, but I wish I would have watched more of it in fast forward than I did.

Star Trek: 4 out of 5 – Yup, they did a great job.

Stella: Season 1: 5 out of 5 – I love this show. that’s it. everything about it is good. There’s a joke every 20 seconds and the direction/dp/editing for a comedy show are superb. I think this show raised the bar.

Sunshine Cleaning: 3 out of 5 – This movie would be appropriate to watch with your sisters and your mom, but it didn’t wow me in a way that I wanted it to. I also think Amy Adams is cute at best. eh.

Tales from the Script: 5 out of 5 – You will only enjoy this doc if you are a screenwriter. But if you are a screenwriter you will REALLY enjoy it. Nothing fancy, just great advice from lots of people who’ve gotten rich doing what you’re trying to do.

This Emotional Life: 5 out of 5 – This should be recommended viewing for every family. Congrats PBS for helping your species to become better able to survive.

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: 5 out of 5 – This movie is exquisite. The script is amazing. The landscapes are breathtaking. Tommy Lee Jones plays the most vulnerable and complicated character I’ve ever seen from him. This movie did not win many awards and I honestly think it’s because the title is so hard to remember. The script is so so so so so so good. Do yourself a favor and check this one out.

THX 1138: 5 out of 5 – Watching this dvd with commentary is like going to film school. Amazing.

Trailer Park Boys: Countdown to Liquor Day: 3 out of 5 – This is not my favorite movie they’ve done. Maybe it’s just cause the schtick is getting a little played out. I’m also not really sure where they’re going with the gay love triangle. It all seems to be getting a little forced. See their previous work for more satisfying fare.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon: 2 out of 5 – This movie is very bad. It starts to get good at the end when the Roman “vampires” show they have a couple of sacks… but other than that, I’d rather just watch Taylor Lautner do a bunch of push ups with his shirt off for an hour and a half. Warewolf CG = bad bad bad.

Twilight: 3 out of 5 – I mean, this movie is exactly like the book. Kind of boring and improbable. Vampires in the sun? I do-ho-n’t TH-ink so! Let’s be real people. This is simple physics. Also, everyone in this movie looks like they have to poop all the time.

Two and a Half Men: Season 6: 1 out of 5 – This show is garbage. Don’t watch it ever.

Up in the Air: 4 out of 5 – Nice message. Best body wearing a tie as a belt in a movie ever. Also, is there a movie in the universe that Zach Galifinakis is not in?

Upright Citizens Brigade: ASSSSCAT : 5 out of 5 – There’s a reason why they’re famous.

V: Season 1: 4 out of 5 – Not my favorite V series… but they’re doing a good enough job for me to get my fix. still wanting a little Singer action.

The Wackness: 5 out of 5 – Great indie!

Wake: 2 out of 5 – I wanted to love this movie so badly, since I really respect Danny Masterson and want any movie with Leo’s music in it to be amazing… but the thing is just really miscast, can’t find a tone, poorly edited, statically directed and overall misses most marks most of the time. which is a shame, because the script wasn’t bad. the process really f’d this one up. Also, go rent it so Leo can get paid!

Walking Tall: 4 out of 5 – I mean look, the Rock has done some pretty terrible movies, so the bar is low. For this movie to clear it is no hard trick. But honestly, this script is decent. They got some great actors to surround him and overall I think the remake was justified.

We Live in Public: 4 out of 5 – Very interesting. An engrossing personality at the very least.

Weeds: Season 2: 2 out of 5 – I’m sorry you guys… the writing on this show is mediocre and the casting is annoying at best.

Weeds: Season 3: 3 out of 5 – Okay, so season three got kind of good. “KIND OF” I said. Let’s not get head of ourselves. I think the writing is much better and Kevin Nealon is really getting comfy in his role. Good job everyone, you’re really making it better.

Weeds: Season 4: 3 out of 5 – I don’t hate it like poison… I can’t stop watching it. But I don’t “like it,” per se. I guess I want to like it and that’s why I can’t stop.

Weeds: Season 5: 2 out of 5 – Season 3 was genuinely good. I wonder who they fired for seasons 4 and 5. I am officially walking away from this series. The writing is very predictable in how they choose “CRAZY” paths for these characters (for pure shock value) and then barely justify how and why these people get there. Mary-Louise Parker always has the same “I’ve got a headache” pouty face and it’s really boring. Mayor Reyes should work a lot more though. He’s the best part about this business. Also, kill Celia. No one give an F any more.

The Weight of Water: 2 out of 5 – If you like this movie then we can’t be friends. Shame on you Katherine Bigelow. You go on to win an Oscar.

Wendy and Lucy: 2 out of 5 – This movie is depressing and boring

What Goes Up: 2 out of 5 – This movie can’t decide what it is. It doesn’t outright suck… it just has a ton of potential that they wasted on not deciding what the movie was gonna be about.

Where the Wild Things Are: 4 out of 5 – Beautiful movie

Whip It: 4 out of 5 – Yes! Movies being made just for me.

Whoopi: Back on Broadway: The 20th Anniversary : 4 out of 5 – I can ‘t help it… I really like Whoopi. I’ve probably seen Jumping Jack Flash like 20 times. No joke. She really makes me laugh.

The Wildest Dream: 4 out of 5 – I enjoyed this movie. (The soundtrack is TO DIE FOR) but the thing that turns me off of the film at times is the bravado of the men who want to “conquer” the mountain. It seems to me, always a story about a man’s ego when he discusses the glory of climbing a mountain. The story could have been more interesting perhaps,… if they would have turned the cameras on the Sherpas that climb the mountain as a day job.

Will Ferrell: You’re Welcome, America: A Final Night with George W. Bush: 4 out of 5 – Funny.

World’s Greatest Dad: 5 out of 5 – Hurray for Bobcat! In my most crtiquey of voices… “it’s a triumph!” Robin Williams is delish.

Year One: 2 out of 5 – What hurts my heart so much is not that this movie sucks… cause it does. It rambles and they keep ending up slaves and the jokes are gross without being funny…. but also that a lot of funny people are attached to this ship, and it cost 60 million dollars, and Harold Ramis is all over it and the efforts amounted to a huge steaming pile of unwatchable poo.

You Kill Me: 3 out of 5 – Eh.

Zombieland: 5 out of 5 – Finally got to see it on the big screen. sorry it took me so long. this movie is close to perfect. Woody can do no wrong.